Charmeded Big Brother!
by kaytee83
Summary: Week Six. I'm still plagued. Let's see. Something terrible happens and somebody we love more than life itself is up for eviction! Oh, and we've got a great deat- um... "farewell" video of who got chucked out this week. Leo is ebil about SP! NOOO!
1. Week One

Oh my Astral Prue, at the inventiveness of me! How many things will kt be able to rip off in her reign as Queen of the... Crapfest that is kt's fanfiction?  
  
The ten contestants going into the big brother house are:  
  
Piper Halliwell, Phoebe Halliwell, Paige Halliwell, Leo Wyatt, Cole Turner, The Source, Darryl Morris, Andy Trudeau, Jack Sheridan (Bucklands Guy - Bucko), Abbey Wannabe  
  
It should be noted that the Halliwell women, while all having the same surname, are of absolutely no relation to each other.   
  
  
  
  
Week One: Settling in  
  
INT. BIG BROTHER MAIN ROOM. THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE IS DECORATED IN BRIGHT HARSH COLOURS, AND IS LIKE A CHILD'S DREAM. AND IT'S PLAIN FREAKY. WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES ENTER, CARRYING THEIR BAGS.  
  
LEO: Wow, look at this place!  
PAIGE: I LOVE the decor!  
  
PIPER GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND SHAKES HER HEAD.  
  
PIPER: This place is not good.  
COLE: Looks fine to me!  
  
PIPER AND COLE SMILE AT EACH OTHER.  
  
BUCKO: Let's check out the bedrooms.  
PHOEBE: Wow look at all the bottles!  
  
THE HOUSEMATES INSPECT THE SEVERAL BOTTLES OF WINE LEFT ON THE COFFEE TABLE, WHICH IS SURROUNDED BY TWO CORNER SOFAS SO ALL THE HOUSEMATES CAN SIT IN A CIRCLE. THERE IS A NOTE ON THE TABLE. ABBEY PICKS IT UP AND READS.  
  
ABBEY: "Dear housemates. Enjoy your first night, Big Brother."  
ALL: Oh, wow, cool etc.  
PHOEBE: Thank you Big Brother!  
ALL: Thank you Big Brother.  
PAIGE: I think this is the girls bedroom.  
  
THE GIRLS GO INTO ONE ROOM AND THE GUYS GO INTO ANOTHER. THE SOURCE FOLLOWS THEM, THEN SUDDENLY TURNS INTO A DIFFERENT ROOM. PAUSE. HE COMES OUT, TUGGING HIS HOOD UP.  
  
SOURCE: Woops, bathroom.  
  
HE GOES INTO THE GUYS ROOM.  
  
CUT TO: GIRLS BEDROOM. THE GIRLS HAVE DUMPED THEIR STUFF ON DIFFERENT BEDS. THERE IS ONE EMPTY BED LEFT.  
  
PAIGE: Is that supposed to be there?  
PIPER: I dunno... is there another housemate coming in?  
ABBEY: Maybe. Latecomer?  
PAIGE: Surely she'd be here by now.  
PHOEBE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!  
  
PHOEBE STARTS JUMPING ON THE BED. PIPER LOOKS QUITE ANNOYED. PAIGE IS LAUGHING AT PHOEBE.  
  
CUT TO: GUYS BEDROOM. THE GUYS ARE ENTERING.  
  
COLE: Ooh! Double bed's mine!  
SOURCE: No, it's mine!  
COLE: I called it!  
SOURCE: I am The Source! How dare you defy me?  
COLE: Okay, okay, it's yours! Sheesh... no need for a rage trip.  
  
DARRYL EXITS.  
  
CUT TO: COFFEE TABLE. PIPER AND ABBEY ARE SITTING ON THE SOFAS, CHATTING. DARRYL ENTERS.  
  
DARRYL: Hey girls.  
PIPER: Hey... Darryl?  
DARRYL: Yeah. You guys cracking open the wine?  
ABBEY: It's like half six!  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey. Have you seen the sizes of wardrobes they have in there? I've got like, nowhere to put my hats and I have a lot of them!  
PAIGE: It's summer, why would you need hats?  
PHOEBE: (through clenched teeth) I like, hats.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Okay! Who's for some alcyhol?  
ALL: Woo!  
  
TIME LAPSE. IT'S 10:47PM. THE HOUSEMATES ARE ALL SITTING ON THE SOFAS, DRUNK.  
  
LEO: No, man, I'm serious! Is your first name 'The' or do you just like talking about yourself in the third person?  
ANDY: Yeah, and what's with your hood? And cloak? Are you some sort of-  
BIG BROTHER(OS): Will Piper please come to the diary room?  
BUCKO: Uh oh. What've you done?  
PIPER: Oh please... I'm sure, I'm sure it's just a little socializ...ization. Yeah.  
  
SHE GETS UP AND SWAYS QUITE A LOT AS SHE MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DIARY ROOM.  
  
PAIGE: This is cool.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE DIARY ROOM IS A TINY ROOM WHICH CONSISTS OF A CHAIR WHICH FACES A LARGE CAMERA WHICH THE HOUSEMATES TALK INTO. PIPER ENTERS AND FLOPS INTO THE CHAIR.  
  
BIG BROTHER: Hello Piper.  
PIPER: Hello, Big Brother!  
BB: How are you finding your first night in the house?  
PIPER: Well, so far Andy has threatened to arrest me, Phoebe has tried to offload some of her hats on me - and they're pink! And woolly! But, you know, it's kinda okay! Keep the alcohol coming and we'll be one happy family!  
BB: Anything to add?  
PIPER: Um yeah, I'm not sure about the censorship deal in here. What can I and can't I do?  
BB: Rules state housemates are free to do as they wish, except leave the Big Brother house and discuss nominations.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: I see...  
BB: Thank you Piper.  
PIPER: Yeah no f*cking problem.  
  
PIPER EXITS.  
  
BB: How rude!  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. MAIN ROOM. THE HOUSEMATES HAVEN'T MOVED SINCE PIPER LEFT, THOUGH SOME ARE CONSIDERABLY DRUNKER.  
  
LEO: It's... Piper!  
  
ALL CHEER.  
  
PIPER: Alright you f*cking b*tches move over and give me more f*cking wine.  
  
HORRIFIED PAUSE. IT'S BETTER IF IT'S A 'HORRIFIED' ONE AND NOT THEM NASTY OLD PLAIN ONES, INNIT?  
  
COLE: Sounds to me like you got yourself a problem there sweetie.  
  
PIPER LOOKS MAD.  
  
PHOEBE: Uh, calm down sweetie.  
PIPER: *roars*  
PAIGE: Woah there's no going back. She has The Rage.  
BUCKO: I had that once, yep.  
  
ALL LOOK AT HIM TO SEE IF HE'S GONNA CONTINUE THE STORY.  
  
BUCKO: Got angry a lot.  
PIPER: Taking your f*cking attention away from that bloody boring buffoon-  
PHOEBE: Alliteration.  
  
PAUSE. ABBEY SLAPS PHOEBE.  
  
PIPER: IT'S NOT A F*CKING PROBLEM IT'S A HABIT - AND NOT ALL HABITS ARE BAD!!!  
  
SILENCE AS EVERYONE TAKES THIS IN. THEN:  
  
SOURCE: What is she talking about?  
  
ALL SHRUG. PIPER GOES OUTSIDE. LEO FOLLOWS HER.  
  
ANDY: So where were we?  
DARRYL: Oh yeah. The weirdest place I've done it is...  
  
CUT TO:   
  
EXT. THE GARDEN. IT IS DARK AND PIPER IS STANDING ON THE WOODEN PORCH, HEAD CUPPED IN HANDS. LEO COMES OUT AND STANDS BEHIND HER.  
  
LEO: Piper?  
  
SILENCE.  
  
LEO: Nice night. Can see all the stars.  
  
LEO GOES OVER TO INSPECT THE CHICKENS.  
  
LEO: See that black one there?  
  
PIPER LOOKS.  
  
LEO: I'm naming it SP.  
PIPER: Which means...  
LEO: Scarecrow Proo.  
PIPER: What?  
LEO: It came to me in a dream.  
PIPER: I see. So. You think you can handle it okay in here?  
LEO: Well, I don't get riled by other people much, but I can't say I like many of them so far.  
PIPER: I know the feeling. Why did you come out here?  
LEO: Oh, I'm just escaping the "Where's the weirdest place you've eaten an apple" conversation. I have this, uh, thing, with apples.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. DIARY ROOM. THE SOURCE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
SOURCE: You rang?  
BB: Hello Source.  
SOURCE: The Source.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BB: Hello The Source.  
SOURCE: Evening Big Brother. How are you?  
BB: How are you finding the house?  
SOURCE: They keep picking on me for wearing a hood. So I might flame them to death.  
BB: Expand.  
SOURCE: Why should I have to? I'm The Source!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BB: Okay. What do you think your chances of winning Big Brother are?  
SOURCE: High. Out of all the crap people in here, I'm one of the most likable.  
BB: Thank you The Source.  
SOURCE: Au revoir.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. GARDEN. PIPER AND LEO ARE STILL TALKING.  
  
PIPER: It's gonna be weird. I miss my family already.  
LEO: You have a family?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: No.  
LEO: Oh. Well, you never know - you could maybe walk out of here with one!  
PIPER: Yeah, did you hear that the first couple that have sex in here wins seventy thousand bucks?  
LEO: I have now!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE BOUNCES IN.  
  
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother!  
BB: Hello...  
  
PAUSE. WE HEAR THE SHUFFLING OF PAPER.  
  
BB: Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Do you like my hat?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BB: How are you finding it in the house?  
PHOEBE: Oh my god Piper is soooo hot! I mean, wow! I just wanna dress her up in pink then rip it all off! Paige is pretty cool too, she's just like me - so it's like having two Phoebes!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. MAIN ROOM. 1:54 AM. EVERYBODY IS THERE CHATTING, EXCEPT ANDY, COLE AND PAIGE WHO HAVE GONE TO BED.  
  
ABBEY: I'm gonna have such a headache tomorrow.  
LEO: Great start to the next 10 weeks, huh?  
DARRYL: Wow. Ten more weeks. This is gonna be interesting.  
SOURCE: Unless you get nominated and are out next week!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: It's gotta be someone that goes though. But we're not allowed to talk about it.  
BUCKO: How do you know?  
PIPER: Well Big Brother told me.  
PHOEBE: Did anybody else notice that Big BROTHER had a woman's voice?  
ABBEY: Who cares.  
  
PHOEBE PICKS UP A GUITAR. ALL GROAN.  
  
SOURCE: Oh my god, every year!  
PIPER: All the bloody previous Big Brothers there was a f*cking guitar. And the person who brought it just can't play!  
PHOEBE: Don't worry!  
  
SHE BEGINS TO PLAY IT. IT IS AWFUL. I MEAN AWFUL! SHE'S PLAYING SOME ALYSSA MILANO SONG OR SOMETHING, AND SINGING ALONG IN THAT MANGLED SQUEAKY VOICE OF HERS. PICTURE IT. GO ON. EW.  
  
BUCKO: Nooooooooooo!  
  
END.  
  
  
NEXT TIME ON BIG BROTHER IT WILL BE THE NOMINATIONS WHERE TWO HOUSEMATES WILL BE NOMINATED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU, THE PUBLIC, DECIDE WHO STAYS AND WHO GOES. BUT WITH A TWIST WHICH YOU WILL FIND OUT... HEH HEH HEH. 


	2. Week Two

Pre-A/N: Gary Davis, if you read this, flame me, please!  
  
A/N: Hey I'm updating already! Thanks for the support guys, nice to know you like the idea! Some of you have already been giving your nominations, but this is actually the ep where you do it. Near the end, the housemates will be giving their nominations and they will be totalled up to give the two housemates with the most nominations. They will then be put to you, the loyal audience, to decide who stays and who gets booted out faster than Paige polishes off a 'sucker'! Yes, I am completely disregarding ffn's new rules (I hope they don't read this) and will be using the review system as a message board. But PAH to ffn! Pah I say!  
  
Enjoy kids, you might find the nominees a shock, you might not, we'll see at the end!  
  
Post-A/N: Oh yeah, I think these are gonna be pretty long, the nominations take up a lot of space. Hope you don't mind!  
  
  
Charmeded Big Brother!  
  
  
  
KT IS OUR NEWLY EMPLOYED VOICE OVER WOMAN. AND NO, SHE DOES NOT HAVE THAT BLOODY ACCENT, THOUGH SHE'LL DO HER BEST IMPRESSION.  
  
  
KT: Welcome to Big Brother. Over the past week, the housemates have been getting to know each other, some friendships have sparked up and some... haven't. Day three. Abbey comes to the diary room.  
  
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. ABBEY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
ABBEY: Hey Big Brother.  
BB: Hello Abbey.  
ABBEY: Just thought I'd come in for a chat.  
BB: How are you feeling?  
ABBEY: Well, I'll admit it's strange being in here. I guess it's always nice to come in and not be so obsessed with anyone here that I want to kill them, dress up like them and be them.  
BB: *oblivious* The nominations are in four days. Are you nervous?  
ABBEY: Um, a little, because I don't know if I know anyone well enough to give a decent bitchy reason why they should leave. But I'll do my best.  
BB: Anything else to add Abbey?  
ABBEY: Yeah, when do we get more alcohol?  
BB: Any alcohol will be bought with the groups shopping budget.  
ABBEY: Right...  
BB: Thank you Abbey.  
ABBEY: Thanks Big Brother.  
  
ABBEY EXITS.  
  
CUT TO: BOYS BEDROOM. LEO IS IN BED, PIPER SITS ON AN ADJACENT BED. THE SOURCE, ANDY AND DARRYL ARE PLAYING DARTS.  
  
KT: 12:46pm. Leo is still in bed and talks to Piper.  
LEO: So you're not hung over in the slightest?  
PIPER: No, I guess I'm just used to drinking a lot.  
LEO: Alcomaholic.  
PIPER: Ha - I wish!  
  
CUT TO: BATHROOM. PHOEBE IS STANDING AT THE MIRROR SHAVING.  
  
KT: Phoebe makes a point of shaving every day.   
  
WE WATCH HER SHAVE FOR A WHILE. SHE IS SINGING.  
  
PHOEBE: This one for you Meags! Somewhere in Jamaica, maybe in Brazil, on top of a little mountain, beside a grassy hill.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: Who's Meags?  
  
CUT TO: EXT. GARDEN. THE ENTIRE GROUP ARE ENGAGED IN VARIOUS OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES. PIPER, COLE, ANDY AND PAIGE ARE LYING ON SUN LOUNGERS. PHOEBE IS PLAYING WITH THE CHICKENS. THE SOURCE, ABBEY, LEO, DARRYL AND BUCKO ARE IN THE JACUZZI.  
  
KT: Day six. The group relax in the garden the day before their nominations.   
COLE: It's a great day today.  
PAIGE: I better go back inside... I try to keep out of the sun.  
PIPER: Why? You're so pale you look like a vampire!  
  
PAIGE DOES A FREAKY VAMPIRE HISS THINGY. ALL LAUGH.  
  
PAIGE: I dunno... my skin is just really white for some reason.  
ANDY: I think it's sexy Paige.  
PAIGE: Sure.  
  
CUT TO: JACUZZI.  
  
ABBEY: This is sweet.  
BUCKO: Says the girl in the tub with four men... *to The Source* You are a man right?  
SOURCE: *sighs* Yes. Now stop talking to me or I'll smite you down.  
ABBEY: Come on you guys... calm down... and get naked!  
ALL: Woohp!  
  
EVERYBODY SUDDENLY GETS NAKED! OH, APART FROM THE SOURCE, COS THE ROBES ARE ALL HE HAS. SORRY KIDS, THAT'S TOO MUCH PRON FOR THIS UPDATE... DON'T LOOK SO DISAPPOINTED STEPH! THE GROUP ON THE SUN LOUNGERS (PIPER, COLE, ANDY AND PAIGE) START LAUGHING AT THE NEKKID JACUZZI BUNCH.  
  
LEO: Come on you lot!  
  
COLE GETS UNDRESSED A LITTLE OVER HASTILY, KEEPING HIS BOXERS ON. WE SEE PHOEBE'S HEAD POKE OUT OF THE CHICKEN COOP. SHE HAS REALISED WHAT EVERYONE IS UP TO.  
  
PHOEBE: Hooray for nakedness!  
  
IN ONE SWIFT THREE SECONDS, PHOEBE HAS MANAGED TO RID HERSELF OF EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING. COLE GOES OVER TO CHECK HER OUT. THEY ARE STANDING IN THE CHICKEN COOP TOGETHER, AND PHOEBE TAKES OFF COLE'S BOXERS (THE ANGLE AND STRATEGIC PLACEMENT OF THE WALL OF THE COOP PREVENTS US FROM SEEING ANY OF COLE'S 'MANPARTS' AND PHOEBE'S 'MANPARTS'... I MEAN WOMANPARTS.   
  
PHOEBE: Woah that is a big cock...  
COLE: Well, thank you!  
PHOEBE: Watch out!  
  
SUDDENLY COLE LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH A SCREAM OF AGONY.  
  
COLE: Aii don't peck that! Man! Phoebe why didn't you warn me?  
PHOEBE: I did! I said it was a big cock right before it tried to bite your thing!  
COLE: Oh, you were talking about the chicken when you said 'big cock'?  
PHOEBE: Well yeah, what else would I be talking about?  
PAIGE: That's what you get for standing over there with the chickens... they probably though it was a worm.  
  
EVERYONE IS SICKENED YET HIGHLY AMUSED. PAUSE.  
  
COLE: It was SP! SP bit me!  
LEO: Oh that Scarecrow Proo. She's a star.  
PHOEBE: Actually it's a rooster. Male. And ferocious!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
LEO: Apt.  
  
CUT TO: THE MAIN LIVING AREA - DAY. IN THE KITCHEN, PIPER IS COOKING AND THE SOURCE IS DUSTING OFF HIS ROBES. PHOEBE, DARRYL, COLE, PAIGE AND ABBEY ARE SITTING AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE. BUCKLANDS GUY, ANDY AND LEO ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN (ACTUALLY THEY'RE IN THE GARDEN SUNBATHING)  
  
KT(VO): Day six. Nomination day. The housemates have had almost a week to get to know each other, and in a few hours they will be asked to vote out other housemates in the diary room.   
  
FOCUS ON: PIPER AND THE SOURCE.  
  
PIPER: Not long now.  
SOURCE: Are you nervous?  
PIPER: What, about my Italian baked fish?  
SOURCE: No, the nominations.  
PIPER: Oh. This stinks. I don't know who I'm gonna vote for.  
  
SHE LOOKS UP AT THE HOUSEMATES ON THE SOFAS.  
  
PIPER: This is so hard! *cough*Phoebe*cough*  
SOURCE: Sorry what was that?  
PIPER: Hmm? Oh, nothing.  
  
CUT TO: OUTSIDE. BUCKO, ANDY AND LEO ARE KICKING BACK.  
  
ANDY: What do you guys think of the girls?  
LEO: Piper's hot.  
BUCKO: Damn right she is! In fact all the girls are fine. I'd have them all!  
  
ANDY AND LEO GLARE AT HIM, THEN SHARE A KNOWING NOD.  
  
BB(VO): Will Abbey please come to the diary room.  
LEO: Oh AP this is it!  
  
THEY ALL GET UP AND RUN INSIDE.  
  
CUT TO: INT. MAIN LIVING AREA. ABBEY SLOWLY GETS UP.   
  
ABBEY: Wish me luck!  
ALL: Go Abbey woooooo!  
  
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. ABBEY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN, TWIRLING HER HAIR NERVOUSLY.  
  
BB: Hello Abbey.  
ABBEY: Hi Big Brother.  
BB: Will you please give your nominations and a reason for why you picked that nominee.  
  
ABBEYS SITS BACK AND PURSES HER LIPS.  
  
ABBEY: Ookay... well. Oh, this is hard. I, I really don't want to do this.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
ABBEY: Right. First I'm picking... um, Andy, because we just don't seem to be hitting it off that well. I don't know why, he seems to be someone that I just wouldn't get along with, the type of guy that has something I want, you know? *sighs* Secondly I'd like to nominate Leo, because this is gonna sound really horrible, but his face totally resembles an apple, and that sickens me.  
BB: Thank you Abbey.   
  
ABBEY NODS NERVOUSLY AND EXITS.   
  
TIME LAPSE: ANDY IS NOMINATING.  
  
ANDY: Well, it's easy to nominate Abbey, because really I can see she's totally jealous of me, and I don't know why, but there's something about her like she'd want what I have... I don't know. Anyway. Also, I'm nominating Bucklands Guy cos, man, he is SO annoying!  
  
TIME LAPSE: BUCKLANDS GUY IS NOMINATING.  
  
BUCKO: Uh, Darryl and Cole, because they're male, and they might ruin my chances of scoring in this damned thing.  
  
TIME LAPSE: COLE IS NOMINATING.  
  
COLE: I feel like me and The Source sorta work in the same field, but we seem to have, uh, creative differences... we don't really agree on what's right. So I'd like to nominate him... and also I wanna pick Piper because she seems very disdainful of myself and Phoebe's flirtations... I don't know if it's jealousy or what, but it's starting to grate.  
BB: Thank you Cole.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DARRYL IS NOMINATING.  
  
DARRYL: Uh, let me think. Phoebe really annoys me, she's just too... too perky, and seems to have this thing for the colour pink which I just don't get along with. So Phoebe, and also Cole, because he seems like a really whiny sorta guy, and also he likes Phoebe. The two of them, I don't really like saying this, but they pretty much sicken me.  
  
TIME LAPSE: LEO IS NOMINATING.  
  
LEO: Bucklands Guy. Without a doubt. I'm sorry, but he just pisses me off to high heaven, and I don't even know what high heaven is! So him, definitely. Ahh just thinking about him makes me wanna smash things! And also The Source, because it's like we on totally different planets. He has values that I just don't get, and vice versa. We really don't get along.  
  
TIME LAPSE: PAIGE IS NOMINATING.  
  
PAIGE: Um... ooh. Right. Well... um...   
  
LONG PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: Okay for a start... no. Uh...   
  
SHE MASSAGES HER FACE WITH HER HANDS.   
  
PAIGE: Abbey. Because she seems to be a psycho. And Bucklands Guy, cos he is a total perv!  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE DIARY ROOM IS EMPTY. SUDDENLY PIPER WALKS IN, AND DOESN'T SIT DOWN.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe and Bucklands Guy, hate 'em both.  
  
PIPER EXITS.  
  
TIME LAPSE: LAST BUT NOT LEAST, THE SOURCE IS NOMINATING.  
  
SOURCE: Firstly I'd like to pick Leo, because he is too self righteous and goody goody. Secondly I'll nominate Cole, because he seems to me like the type who'd follow you halfway into something big, then chicken out at the last minute for some little thing... a girl or something.   
BB: Thank you, The Source.  
SOURCE: And Leo has that apple shaped face!  
  
CUT TO: MAIN LIVING AREA. THE SOURCE EXITS THE DIARY ROOM AND JOINS EVERYBODY, WHO CHEERS HIS ARRIVAL. THE HOUSEMATES ARE PRETTY QUIET, IN THEIR OWN THOUGHTS.  
  
BB(VO): Thank you housemates, the nominations are complete.  
PHOEBE: Hey! You forgot me! Hey! Big Brother!  
BB(VO): *sigh* There has been a minor detail with the nominations. Will Phoebe please come to the diary room.  
  
PHOEBE SQUEALS DELIGHTEDLY AND SKIPS OUT.  
  
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE HOPS IN.  
  
PHOEBE: Hi Big Brother!  
BB: Hello Phoebe. Can you please give your nominations and reasons.  
PHOEBE: I sure can! First I nominate Piper, because she always hits me and gives me these really dirty looks and worst of all, I don't think she likes pink! Secondly I'd like to pick Piper, because-  
BB: You cannot nominate the same person twice.  
PHOEBE: I'm not. I was giving you my first nomination!  
  
CONFUSED PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: Anyways, my second nomination is Paige, cos I have a sneaking suspicion she is trying to get her claws into my man. Who is Cole! Who I love, I would do anything for him, heck, I'd even turn evil... at every opportunity!  
  
CUT TO: MAIN LIVING AREA. EVERYONE IS SITTING AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE, MINUS PHOEBE WHO IS STILL IN THE DIARY ROOM.  
  
DARRYL: Where's Phoebe?  
PAIGE: I know, it's been ages...  
COLE: Oh woe!  
  
PAIGE GLARES AT COLE. MUTTERING SOMETHING UNDER HER BREATH ABOUT HAVING MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER NOMINATIONS.  
  
PIPER: She probably struck up a conversation with Big Brother.  
ANDY: About what?  
DARRYL: What else? Herself!  
ANDY: Oh, duh.  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS, SKIPPING HAPPILY ALONG AND PLOPS INTO COLE'S LAP.  
  
PHOEBE: I voted for Paige and Piper!  
  
LONG, ANNOYED SILENCE. PIPER AND PAIGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN AT PHOEBE WITH A NEW FOUND HATRED. LEO IS NERVOUS.  
  
LEO: Uh, Phoebe? I don't think you were supposed to say that...  
  
THEY TALK, BUT THE SOUND IS DOWN SO WE CAN HEAR KT'S ANNOUNCEMENT (THE HOUSEMATES DON'T HEAR).  
  
KT: The votes are in. The information of who is up for eviction is about to be given to the housemates. It's very exciting.  
  
THE SOUND COMES BACK IN.   
  
PIPER: Yeah, I thought nominating was really, really hard. I couldn't think of what to say.  
ANDY: Really? Seems to me like you were in and out of there really fast.  
  
PIPER LOOKS AWAY.   
  
BB(VO): And the nominations are in. The two housemates up for eviction this week are...  
  
LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG PAUSE.  
  
BB(VO): Bucklands Guys and...  
  
BUCKO REACTS, LOOKING REALLY UNHAPPY.  
  
BB(VO): Cole.  
PHOEBE: For the love of god no!  
COLE: What? But... but...  
  
NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE LOOK SAD, BUT THEY ALL HUG COLE AND BUCKO PRETENDING THEY'RE SORRY.  
  
AS WE ROLL CREDITS:  
  
KT: Andy, Darryl and Paige had one nomination each; Abbey, Leo, Piper, Phoebe and The Source each had two nominations, and the two housemates with the most nominations were Cole with three, and Bucklands Guy with four, who will be up for eviction on eviction night. Who stays and who goes, you decide.  
  
  
  
  
  
THIS IS WHERE YOU GUYS COME IN! WHO'S IT GONNA BE? COLE OR BUCKLANDS GUY? POST THE NAME OF WHO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, THAT IS NOT WHO YOU WANT TO STAY, BUT WHO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, IN A REVIEW!  
  
Oh fanfiction will not be happy with me hehe. I am defying their pithy rules-o-rama!  
  
  
  
La la la... 


	3. Week Three

CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER - WEEK TWO  
  
A/N: Okay kids, we're here for the long haul. I discovered that dag nammit there is a LOT of things I have to include in each chapter, so I'm sorry, but I think every instalment of this is going to be pretty long. Hope that's no problem! Unfortunately, due to the length, I can only show you the important stuff that happens, otherwise I'd have too much to write!  
  
KT: Day 12 (I am so making these up as I go along). The votes are in. Big Brother is about to announce who the first person to leave the Big Brother compound is. How exciting.  
  
INT. GIRLS' BEDROOM. PHOEBE IS SHOWING PAIGE HER WOOLLY PINK HATS, PAIGE LOOKS LIKE SHE'D RATHER BE IMPALED ON A LARGE BLADE OF GRASS THAN WATCH FREEBIE.  
  
PHOEBE: La la la... do you like my grass skirt?  
PAIGE: You're not wearing a grass skirt. And if you were, I'd rather be impaling myself on it than watch you prance about.  
PHOEBE: Thanks! You're always so nice to me Paige, you're one of the few people around here who I actually like. I really hate Piper.  
  
PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper my girl! *hugs Piper*  
PAIGE: I'm gonna throw up!  
  
PAIGE RAPIDLY EXITS.  
  
PHOEBE: Thank AP she left, that girl really gets on my nerves.  
BB: Will the housemates please gather in the main room.  
PIPER: Say please.  
  
STONY SILENCE.   
  
CUT TO: THE SOFA ARRANGEMENT IN THE MAIN ROOM. MOST OF THE HOUSEMATES ARE THERE, AND PAIGE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WIPING HER MOUTH. PIPER JOGS IN WITH PHOEBE CLUTCHING HER HAND. THEY ALL SIT DOWN. BUCKLANDS GUY AND COLE FACE EACH OTHER OFF. TONIGHT, ONE OF THEM GOES. BUT WHO?  
  
BB: Hello housemates, this is KT.  
ALL: Hi KT.  
BB: The votes are in, and I can tell you all that the first ever person to be evicted from Charmeded Big Brother is...  
ABBEY: Charmeded?  
BB: *coughs* I mean, Big Brother... is...  
  
QUITE POSSIBLY THE LONGEST PAUSE KNOWN TO MAN.  
  
LONGER.  
  
LONGER.  
  
LONGER.  
  
BB: Bucklands Guy.  
BUCKO: Oh my god! I didn't even get laid.  
PIPER: Dream on mother f*cker.  
BUCKO: Hey mom has nothing to do with this... this time!  
ALL: Ew.  
BB: Bucko, get the hell out.  
  
A LARGE TUBE IS EXTENDED FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS BUCKLANDS GUY UP INTO IT. BAM! HE'S GONE. THE HOUSEMATES CHAT, SHOCKED AND CONFUSED. POOR SODS.  
  
THEN... THE DOORS OF THE BIG BROTHER COMPOUND SWING OPEN AND A FIGURE STANDS THERE, HER WILD HAIR FLOATING IN THE WIND, OH, WAIT, JUST TOO MUCH HAIRSPRAY. ANYWAYS. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND MAKES HER WAY DOWN THE STAIRS. WOOPS! SHE SLIPPED! BAM BAM BAM BAM BITCH WENT DAHN!  
  
ABBEY: She's beautiful!  
ANDY: She is that.  
PIPER: If ever I saw someone who I imagine looks like Astral Prue, she is the one.  
NEWBIE: Hi guys, I'm Prue.  
KT(VO): Praise be to Astral P! The new housemate, taken on to replace Bucklands Guy is Prudence. She will live as a housemate and see how well she fares. Since she needs a week to settle in, voting is non-applicable for the lovely lady.  
PRUE: Hey a lot of people tell me that if they ever picture AP in their minds, they think of me. That's sweet that I resemble our great deity Astral Prue. And I share a name with her, but let's not count that.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SEVERAL OF THE HOUSEMATES, ANDY, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE, LEO, DARRYL, COLE, THE SOURCE, ABBEY, PAIGE... OH WAIT, THAT'S EVERYBODY ISN'T IT? DAMMIT, I JUST COUNTED WHO WAS THERE AND IT'S ALL OF THEM. WASTE OF FECKING TIME. RIGHT. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SPREAD AROUND THE MAIN ROOM, CHATTING. ABBEY STARES INTENTLY AT PRUE ALL THROUGH THE FOLLOWING.  
  
KT(VO): Day 17. Nomination day. Today is also the day that the housemates get to see what the 'consequence' that being kicked out of Big Brother involves for recent evictee Bucklands Guy.  
  
PHOEBE: Does the word 'really' really exist?  
  
UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE AS EVERYONE THINKS THIS ONE OVER.  
  
PHOEBE: And what about the word 'so'? What does it 'REALLY' mean?  
PIPER: Oh god, I think my universe is imploding!  
PRUE: Does space end?  
  
KIT THE CAT SCAMPERS ACROSS THE FLOOR YOWLING. IT SEEMS SOMEWHAT DISTRESSED.  
  
ANDY: Where'd that cat come from?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
LEO: What does it all mean?  
  
DARRYL SITS BACK AND STARTS SMOKING A CIGAR.  
  
PRUE: Where'd that come from Darryl? A cigar bar? Oh can I come next time?  
PHOEBE: Damn that looks like a fine cigar.   
COLE: You look finer!  
  
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN CHILDISH DELIGHT. COLE GIGGLES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND THEY... 'SNUGGLE'.  
  
DARRYL: Sure.  
SOURCE: The word 'so' means 'therefore' and the word 'really' means 'truly'. It's quite simple really.  
  
ALL STARE AT THE SOURCE.  
  
PIPER: Well spoil our f*cking fun!  
ABBEY: Prue, what do you wash your hair with?  
PAIGE: Bleach.  
PRUE: No, that would be Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Is it blonde enough now?  
  
FULL SHOT OF PHOEBE. WE SEE SHE'S BLEACHED HER HAIR... USING KITCHEN BLEACH! HER HAIR IS WHITE AND SCARCE, HER SCALP RED AND BLEEDING.  
  
PIPER: Give it a while longer.  
PRUE: Uh... nice bald spot!  
PHOEBE: What!?! BALD!?! Oh my AP get me my woolly pink hat!  
  
PHOEBE RUNS OUT SCREECHING AND TRYING TO COVER HER BURNING FLESH. SHE ENDS UP PULLING OUT CLUMPS OF HAIR. EVERYBODY LAUGHS, THEN COLE REALISES SOMETHING.  
  
COLE: She's gonna look awful now isn't she? I'm gonna dump her so good!  
ABBEY: Prue, do they have any vacancies at Bucklands?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Who told you I work at Bucklands?  
ABBEY: I wasn't sifting through your personal belongings and information, oh no I was not!  
PRUE: Good. Now back to business.   
ANDY: Which was...  
  
BIG BROTHER'S VOICE... RESOUNDS THROUGH THE HOUSE. ON HEARING IT, PHOEBE RUNS THROUGH WEARING A HUGE WOOLLY PINK HAT TO COVER UP HER MONSTROUS HAIR AND JOINS THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES.  
  
BB: Would all housemates please arrange themselves in front of the viewing screen to be shown a short film.  
  
THE HOUSEMATES CHEER, THINKING THEY'RE IN FOR A TREAT. THEY ARRANGE THEMSELVES IN FRONT OF THE WIDE SCREEN TV SET INTO THE WALL.  
  
KT: *remember the housemates can't hear what KT says* The housemates don't yet know about the consequence that comes with being kicked out of the Big Brother compound. But never you mind folks, they're just about to find out.  
  
WE ZOOM INTO THE WIDE SCREEN TV, SO WE ARE NOW WATCHING IT.  
  
BB: Last week, Bucklands Guy was ejected from the Big Brother house. For those evictees, there is a special surprise waiting for them, plotted by a team of very good judges. Bucklands Guy's special surprise is... *booming voice* Minotaur.  
PAIGE: What the Paige?  
PIPER: What is this?  
  
BACK ON SCREEN. THE TITLE COMES UP 'MINOTAUR'. WE SEE A HUGE UNDERGROUND MAZE. THE CAMERA TAKES A FEW MOMENTS TO PAN AROUND, SHOWING US HOW CREEPY IT IS. THERE IS A FLASHING BUTTON ON THE RIGHT CORNER SAYING 'LIVE'. WE FIND BUCKLANDS GUY WANDERING AROUND CARRYING A FIRE TORCH. HE LOOKS SCARED, AND IS OH-SO-ALONE.  
  
BUCKO: Um... hello? Anyone?  
  
A LOW RUMBLING GROWL IS HEARD FROM BEHIND HIM. HE STARTS, TURNING AROUND. NOTHING THERE. SWEAT DRIPS DOWN HIS DIRTY FACE. HE'S BEEN THERE FOR A FEW DAYS. HIS CLOTHES ARE DIRTY AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS MORE SO THAN USUAL. HE WANDERS AROUND SOME MORE WHIMPERING. THE GROWL IS HEARD AGAIN, LOUDER THIS TIME. HE TURNS AROUND. A HUGE BEAST STANDS THERE, THE TOP HALF IS A BULL AND THE BOTTOM IS HUMAN (I *THINK* THAT'S WHAT THE MINOTAUR LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?). BUCKO QUITE LITERALLY CRAPS HIMSELF. THE MINOTAUR GLARES AT HIM, GROWLING IMPASSIVELY.  
  
BUCKO: Eep.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
THE HOUSEMATES. THEY ARE WATCHING THE SCREEN, PETRIFIED. SFX: ROAR FROM THE MINOTAUR, BUCKO'S SCREAM, AND THE SOUND OF SLASHING, TEARING AND BITING. WE WATCH THE HOUSEMATES' REACTIONS. WITH EACH NEW NOISE (A ROAR, SCREAM OR THWACK OF FANGS ON FLESH) WE SEE THE HOUSEMATES YELP, FLINCH OR RECOIL. THEY ARE ALL TERRIFIED AND DISGUSTED.  
  
CUT BACK TO THE SCREEN:  
  
IT IS SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD. THEN IT CLICKS OFF.  
  
LONG SILENCE.  
  
PIPER: ... Oh my god... is he... do you really think...  
DARRYL: Nah... that's totally against the law!  
ANDY: Or is it? Did anyone actually read the contract we all signed before coming in here?  
PHOEBE: I did! It said something about unspeakable death if evicted, then I got distracted by a butterfly. And it had pink on it! Imagine that! A pink flutterby!  
  
EVERYBODY TAKES TURNS TO SLAP PHOEBE.  
  
PIPER: I can't believe that when we nominate people we are deciding who we want to send to their deaths!  
SOURCE: Old news.  
PRUE: Been there, done that. Well I have!  
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?  
PIPER: Oh crap!  
  
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole.  
  
SHE IS ABOUT TO GET UP AND LEAVE.  
  
BB: Actually Piper, this isn't the nominations.  
PIPER: Oh...  
  
SHE SITS BACK DOWN.  
  
BB: It's just a talk. How are you feeling?  
PIPER: Um, nauseated. But a stiff scotch will sort that out! No, really, that thing you made us watch, that was disgusting. Really it was. How is it legal for you to make us watch our friend... *pause, thinking* how is it legal for you to make us watch our... acquaintance die?  
BB: Piper, you signed a contract documentation announcing you would be prepared to accept the consequences of life in the Big Brother house. This is one of them. Seeing Phoebe and Cole lesbium each other up is another. Having to brush your hair with a sock is another. It's all part of the great scheme of things.  
PIPER: Well when you put it that way-  
BB: Thank you Piper.  
PIPER: Rude much?  
  
PIPER'S CHAIR TURNS AROUND AND TIPS HER OFF, SHE TUMBLES OUT OF THE DOOR.  
  
CUT TO: SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES NERVOUSLY WATCH PIPER RETURN. PIPER FIXES HERSELF A SCOTCH ON THE WAY... ACTUALLY FOUR SCOTCHES... AND MAKES HER WAY BACK.  
  
PAIGE: Is it nominations?  
PIPER: Not yet. Big Bro just wanted to chat. Pah!  
ALL: Pah!  
BB: Will Abbey please come to the diary room?  
ABBEY: Oh great. A chat for me too.  
  
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. ABBEY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
BB: Please give your nominations.  
ABBEY: Hey in the what now? I thought this was just for a chat!  
  
A HAND COMES OUT OF THE WALL AND SLAPS ABBEY.  
  
BB: Abbey, please will you give your nominations.  
  
LONG PAUSE.  
  
ABBEY: But there's no one I want to send to a ghastly death! Well not yet anyway...  
  
ABBEY GETS SLAPPED.  
  
ABBEY: Fine! Fine! Same as last week. Well, I can't remember who I picked last week. Leo, because of that apple shaped face he has and man, he cried earlier on and... royal gala or what?  
  
***A/N: royal gala is a type of apple, p'idiums***  
  
ABBEY: Anyways, him, and... and... oh. Um... Darryl, because... because he laughs really, really loudly.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS ANDY.  
  
ANDY: Well, firstly Whorebe... I mean, Phoebe, because of that travesty with the hair. I thought it was hard to stand her before but now, I mean, oh my AP! Secondly I'm taking Abbey because she is way too much into Prue. And I really like Prue. So I think Abbey should die, because I'm really scared she will try to lesbium Prue up or something!  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS COLE.  
  
COLE: Well, I'm not allowed to nominate Prue because she just got here, but I'm nominating her anyway, because she's so downright mean to my lubb Feebe-  
  
COLE GETS SLAPPED BY THE BIG HAND WHICH IS FAST BECOMING WORN OUT WITH THE HUGE AMOUNT OF SLAPPING IT'S HAD TO DO. GUESS BB UNDERESTIMATED HOW MUCH DISCIPLINING THIS BUNCH NEEDS. MAYBE IT SHOULD WHIP THEM PENANCE STYLE.  
  
COLE: Rude much? Okay, okay. Um. The Source because he won't let me see him naked, and Abbey because she likes Prue. Happy now?  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS DARRYL.  
  
DARRYL: To tell you the truth, I really don't agree with this but... Cole because he's a punkass punk. And also Phoebe, because... I don't know where to start with a reason okay? She blows.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS LEO.  
  
LEO: Well, being a beacon of good and all, I'm inclined to refuse to vote.  
  
LEO GETS SLAPPED. HE STARTS... OH DEAR GOD HE'S STARTING TO CRY!  
  
BB: Apple juice anyone?  
LEO: Fine! I pick Abbey and Andy, because both their names start with A, and the word 'apples' starts with an A, and I have apple issues.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS HO-FACE. I MEAN PAIGE. EW.  
  
PAIGE: Well, being sweet and kind and all I'll just have to nominate myself.  
BB: Normally that is totally against the rules, but you're a special exception that Big Brother is happy to make. Good luck!  
PAIGE: Gee thanks! Okay, but if I'm going down, I'm takin Prue with me! Hey that rhymed!  
BB: Prue is not available for nominations until she has been in the Big Brother compound for at least one week.  
PAIGE: Curses. And figures. Right, well, myself since I'm so kind, and also... um... The Source, cos he's pretty anti-social, and I think he could take on that Minotaur and win. Oh and I thought the Minotaur was a mythological creature... does that mean... does that mean there's a whole world that I don't know about and am a part of? Man I wish Prue had got evicted first then I could come in and replace her. It seems like that's my calling. Oh well.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PIPER.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole. I think you know why.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: Andy and Abbey, because they both like Proo and I don't like Proo. She is mean to me. She looks down on me, as if she's AP or something. So. That's why. Oh um do you think someone could come and fix my hair?  
BB: No.  
  
PHOEBE IS SLAPPED.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Well, there are a hell of a lot of crap people in this house, the hard thing is picking only two of em! Abbey, because I think she's psychotic and wants to kill me, I mean, she's totally obsessed! Yesterday I walked in and she was trying on my socks! How personal can you get? Okay, rambling. Next I'd pick Phoebe because argh I want her to die Phoebe die!  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS THE SOURCE.  
  
SOURCE: Um, well, Cole for a start, cos he's a pussy-assed evil wannabe. And Abbey, because she's a pussy-assed Prue wannabe. Think that'll do.  
  
CUT TO: THE MAIN LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ARE CHATTING.  
  
PHOEBE: I nominated Andy and Abbey!  
  
ALL GLARE AT PHOEBE.   
  
KT(VO): Okay, the nominations are in. *KT goes and counts them all... it takes ages... she's really slow you see* Because of the way the nominations went, there are officially three people up for eviction. Let's tell the housemates!  
BB: Big Brother house, the votes are in and the nominations are as follows: the housemates up for eviction in week two of Big Brother are...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
HELLA PAUSE.  
  
BB: Abbey.  
ABBEY: No! Prue!  
BB: And...  
  
HELLA PAUSE.  
  
BB: Andy.  
ANDY: No! Prue!  
PRUE: Huh everybody seems to lubb me.  
BB: And...  
ALL: What? And? But there's only supposed to be two nominees. Hey how cool is this we're all talking at the same time in synchronicity!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
BB: Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: NO! COLE!  
COLE: Oh AP! Why? WHYYYYYYYYYY!  
  
THEY ALL LAMENT AT ANDY'S NOMINATION, AND DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT PHOEBE AND ABBEY. WELL, COLE DOES, ABOUT PHOEBE. AP ONLY KNOWS WHY.  
  
KT(VO): Abbey was the most 'popular' voting choice with a very anti-abbey 7 votes on her head. Both Phoebe and Andy had 3 each. The Source got 2, and Paige, Cole, Darryl and Leo each got one vote. Prue and Piper this week got no votes each. Because they rule. Oh yeah, and Prue wasn't allowed, but still! Okay kids, this is where you come in! Who do you want out? Abbey, Andy, or Phoebe. You decide!  
  
  
  
  
  
ANDY  
ABBEY  
PHOEBE  
  
Who's the crappest? You decide! 


	4. Week Four

A/N: These are long... okay guys, an update of KT's stuff woohp! Charmeded Series Four is nearly finished! As is the... Secret Weapon... okay, no it's not, but it's coming along nicely. Both will be coming to a screen near you once this bitch Big Brother is finished! The only problem is I can't seem to motivate myself to write this but... well, I'll try.   
  
Thanks for all the votes you guys have been casting! This week was a landslide eviction! I think you all know who it is!  
  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER  
  
  
INT. THE LIVING ROOM. ABBEY, ANDY AND PHOEBE ARE SITTING IN THE SOFAS.  
  
KT: 3:44am. The three nominees are the only ones up and discuss eviction day tomorrow.  
ABBEY: Being completely honest, I don't think it's gonna be me.  
PHOEBE: I don't think it'll be me.  
ANDY: Oh it so will. I don't know if it'll be me... I'm scared though. I don't wanna die!  
ABBEY: Well it sure as Prue won't be me.  
  
A CRACK OF LIGHTNING IS HEARD FROM ABOVE.  
  
ABBEY: Um... anyways. Let's get drunk!  
  
THE OTHERS AGREE AND START DRINKING.  
  
BB: Will all the housemates please enter the living room and seat themselves in the sofas.  
PIPER(OS): You didn't say please!  
BB: Piper has been evicted from the Big Brother house for-  
  
PIPER ENTERS, RUNNING.  
  
PIPER: Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!  
  
SHE SITS DOWN, TREMBLING. THE OTHER HOUSEMATES ENTER AND SIT DOWN.  
  
ANDY: Wonder who it is this time. I'm scared, Prue.  
PRUE: Don't worry Andy, I like you, and that's got the viewers' votes cos my opinions are so important.  
  
ALL STARE AT PRUE.  
  
PRUE: I'm directly connected to AP!  
  
ALL GROVEL.  
  
BB: The nominations are in. The second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is...  
  
SILENCE.  
  
DARRYL: Dammit, I can't stand these silences!  
PHOEBE: Shh.  
PIPER: Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god-  
PAIGE: Shut UP!  
  
PIPER GLARES AT PAIGE.  
  
BB: ... Abbey.  
ABBEY: What? That's... that's impossible! The viewers love me! I... I love Prue! I AM Prue!  
  
ABBEY PRODUCES A BLACK WIG, PUTS IT ON, AND PROCEEDS TO SMOOSH PRUE'S FACE INTO SOME PHOTOGRAPH DEVELOPING FLUID STUFF.   
  
PRUE: Aii I'm blind!  
ABBEY: No - I'M blind! I'm Prue!  
  
A LARGE TUBE APPEARS FROM THE CEILING.  
  
ABBEY: You can't take me! You can't!  
  
IT HOVERS ABOVE HER AND BAM! SUCKS HER UP. SCREAMING, ABBEY IS TAKEN AWAY AND THE TUBE RECEDES BACK INTO THE CEILING. SILENCE.  
  
PIPER: She's gonna die she's gonna die she's gonna die she's gonna die she's gonna die she's gonna die!  
  
PAIGE SLAPS PIPER.  
  
PAIGE: Will you quit repeating yourself like some sort of white trash working class chump?  
PIPER: *whimpers* Sorry.  
PRUE: I can't see!  
  
PRUE STUMBLES AROUND, KNOCKING THINGS OVER. SOMEHOW (NOBODY QUITE KNOWS HOW) SHE MANAGES TO SET FIRE TO THE PLACE.  
  
LEO: Oh, GREAT!  
BB: Will all housemates please evacuate the Big Brother house and go into the garden.  
PHOEBE: But it's raining! And it took me ages to get my hair this way!  
  
EVERYBODY TAKES THE TIME TO LOOK AT PHOEBE'S HAIR-  
  
PRUE: Except me.  
  
I WAS GETTING TO THAT! SHUT UP! *SIGHS* I'LL RESTART: EVERYBODY TAKES THE TIME TO LOOK AT PHOEBE'S HAIR - EXCEPT PRUE -  
  
PRUE: Damn right. COS I'M BLIIIIIIIIIND!!!  
  
JEBUS PRUE! I'M TRYING TO... OKAY YOU'RE GETTING IT.  
  
A HUGE HAND DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING AND SLAPS PRUE BACK TO UNDER WHATEVER ROCK SHE CRAWLED OUT FROM THE DIRTY DEPTHS OF.  
  
PRUE: Point taken.  
  
RIGHT. EVERYBODY LOOKS AT PHOEBE'S HAIR, EXCEPT PRUE BECAUSE SHE IS CURRENTLY BLIND. IT IS OBVIOUS PHOEBE HASN'T EVEN TAKEN A BRUSH TO HER HAIR TODAY, IT IS IN A TANGLED STATE. SHE LOOKS LIKE A RIGHT MANKY DOG.  
  
ANDY: Ew.  
COLE: I think it's cute!  
SOURCE: Well, it's better from last week when she was bald.  
LEO: How did her hair grow back so fast anyway?  
  
PAUSE. EVERYBODY GOES OUTSIDE, SINCE THE HOUSE IS STILL ON FIRE AND ALL. FIREFIGHTERS RUN IN AND START TO PUT OUT THE FIRE. OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN, THE HOUSEMATES STARE IN THE WINDOW.  
  
COLE: Hey look! It's people!  
PIPER: No kidding, dipsh*t.  
  
LEO STARES AT PIPER LONGINGLY.  
  
LEO: She's so angelic.  
PIPER: That one's so fat! *laughs* Oh I crack myself up.  
PHOEBE: I wanna do that one!  
  
PHOEBE POINTS AT THE FAT FIREMAN WHO OVERHEARS AND FLUSHES A DEEP PINK IN PLEASURE AND EMBARRASSMENT.  
  
PHOEBE: Aww I made him blush!  
FIREMAN: That was YOU who said that? I thought it was Paige!  
  
HE IS PROMPTLY SICK.  
  
PHOEBE: What the paige! Who would want that skank Paige more than my breasts- I mean, me?  
COLE: I want you, Phoebe.  
  
PHOEBE AND COLE SCAMPER OFF THE THE CHICKEN COOP TO... YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. REALLY, YOU DON'T. OH, FINE, YOU CONVINCED ME.  
  
CUT TO: CHICKEN COOP. COLE AND PHOEBE LET THEMSELVES IN. THE CHICKENS CRY AND TRY TO ESCAPE.  
  
PHOEBE: *to SP (Scarecrow Proo, remember?) the chicken* I don't wanna do it with you, silly! Well, not yet anyway.  
COLE: I have something to show you.  
PHOEBE: WOAH! That is a HUGE COCK!  
COLE: Aww you know just what to say!  
PHOEBE: Look at it!  
  
PHOEBE CHASES THE ROOSTER - OR COCK AS SHE CALLED IT - AROUND THE PEN. COLE LOOKS SUITABLY UPSET, DISAPPOINTED AND/OR REJECTED.  
  
COLE: This joke's getting old.  
BB: The fire is out, housemates can now return to the house.  
ALL: Woohp!  
BB: And seat themselves in front of the television.  
ALL: Nooooooo!  
PIPER: No! We have to watch that Abbey girl die!  
PRUE: I don't! I'm still blind!  
BB: After Prue has come to the diary room to collect her vision-repairing eye drops.  
PRUE: Bugger.  
  
PRUE STUMBLES INTO THE DIARY ROOM, MANAGING TO SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE A GOOD THREE MORE TIMES BUT LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT, AND SOON EMERGES WITH HER VISION BACK.  
  
PRUE: I can see again!  
  
SHE LOOKS AT PAIGE.  
  
PRUE: I'm bliiiiiiinnnnnnd!  
PAIGE: Oh ha ha.  
  
THE HOUSEMATES SIT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION SCREEN WHICH AS A RESULT FLICKERS ON. LET'S WATCH!  
  
* * *  
  
BLACK.  
  
THE TITLE COMES UP: "BEGINNER'S LUCK"  
  
WE OPEN ON A CAR LOT. THERE IS ONE OF THOSE... YOU KNOW, GUYS ON STREET CORNERS THAT HAVE THE THREE PLAYING CARDS AND MIX THEM ABOUT AND YOU HAVE TO PICK OUT THE QUEEN CARD TO WIN. YEP. ABBEY ENTERS, LOOKING TERRIFIED.  
  
ABBEY: Where am I?  
CARD DEALER: *as he shuffles the three cards* Three card draw, find the card that chooses your fate! Will you get the 'walk free' card, the 'get out of jail free' card from Monopoly, or the legendary 'swinging blade of death' card? One game, one gamble, your life. Your death. Your escape from jail. What'll it be?   
  
HE IS STILL MIXING THEM ABOUT, THE MOMENTARILY SHOWS HER THE SWINGING BLADE OF DEATH CARD.  
  
DEALER: All you gotta do is avoid this one and you're free to go!  
  
HE PUTS IT DOWN AND MIXES THEM AGAIN.  
  
ABBEY: Oh AP... I can't do this! STOP MIXING THEM! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYMORE!  
DEALER: You don't want to find it. One in three chance you'll find it, thirty three and a third percent chance of death. Not bad odds for such a gamble.   
  
HE FINISHES.  
  
DEALER: Avoid the blade and you win back your life.   
ABBEY: Aw man...  
  
SHE STARES AT THE THREE CARDS.  
  
PIPER(OS): It's the middle one! The middle oe!  
ABBEY: Well... I think it's that one... so... I won't pick it. But what if it's not and I'm just ruling half of my chances of freedom? The odds are better than fifty/fifty I guess... okay, that one.  
  
SHE POINTS AT THE MIDDLE ONE.   
  
HOUSEMATES(OS): Yes! YES!  
  
DEALER TURNS IT OVER. NO! IT'S THE SWINGING BLADES OF DEATH ONE!  
  
PIPER(OS): What the f*ck!  
ANDY(OS): It was the middle one!  
PHOEBE(OS): What's this movie called? I haven't seen it before...  
ABBEY: But... but that's impossible!  
PHOEBE(OS): It's kinda turning me on.  
  
ABBEY TURNS THE OTHER TWO CARDS OVER AND THEY'RE BOTH THE SWINGING BLADES OF DEATH CARDS TOO!  
  
ABBEY: You conned me!   
  
BUT DEALER HAS DISAPPEARED.  
  
ABBEY: Come back! You conned me! It was a trick! You conne-  
  
ABBEY CAN'T COMPLETE THAT SENTENCE, BECAUSE AT THAT MOMENT, A HUGE BLADE SWINGS FROM THE ROOF AND SLICES HER IN HALF. BAM!  
  
HOUSEMATES(OS): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
ONE HALF OF ABBEY SLIDES DOWN THE THE GROUND, AND THE OTHER HALF STAYS STANDING, BEFORE FLOPPING OVER DOUBLE ON ITSELF. GRAPHIC, HUH?  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
THE TITLE, "BEGINNERS LUCK" APPEARS AGAIN BEFORE FADING BLACK AGAIN AND THE SCREEN TURNS OFF.  
  
* * *  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE HOUSEMATES ARE SITTING RIGID AND STARING AT THE SCREEN, HORRIFIED AND PETRIFIED.  
  
PIPER: I can't do this. I want out.  
PRUE: If you leave, you die.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PHOEBE: Well, it's about time for nominations, don't you think?  
  
EVERYBODY SLAPS PHOEBE FOR HER INSENSITIVITY.  
  
PHOEBE: What?   
PRUE: Doofus.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. BIG BROTHER HOUSE. IT'S A LOVELY SUNNY DAY AND THE HOUSEMATES ARE SUNBATHING.  
  
KT: Nomination day for the housemates.  
BB: Will Andy please enter the diary room.  
ANDY: Sh*t.  
  
CUT TO: INT. DIARY ROOM. ANDY ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
ANDY: Yes, Big Brother?  
BB: Andy, please state who you would like to nominate this week and why.  
ANDY: I don't want to nominate anyone, actually.  
  
ANDY GETS SLAPPED.  
  
ANDY: Fine. I nominate The Source because he's really quiet and hard to get along with, and also Piper because she's gotten really snappy lately.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS COLE.  
  
COLE: Piper cos she's a bitch to my Phoebe, and Prue cos she's an even bigger bitch to my Phoebe.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS DARRYL.  
  
DARRYL: Um, The Source because all he talks about is smiting people and it's getting a bit too much for me, and also Bucklands Guy, beca-  
  
DARRYL IS SLAPPED.  
  
BB: Bucklands Guy has already been evicted from the Big Brother house. Two weeks ago, idium!  
DARRYL: Oh yeah! Okay, in that case make it Cole cos man, is he whiny!  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS LEO.  
  
LEO: Cole cos he's just plain evil and ew, seeing him with Phoebe makes me feel really uncomfortable. Like I'm jealous, but also kinda disgusted. It's like I feel Cole shouldn't be with her. That he shouldn't be with women. That he should be with other men. With short, handsome men with blonde hair and whose faces resemble apples. Just an idea! Anyway, him, and also... um... Darryl, cos I just don't get along with him.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS HO-FACE. I MEAN PAIGE. EW.  
  
PAIGE: Phoebe. I loathe her. Oh god, I hate, hate, HATE HER! And also Prue, because I get this weird feeling when I'm around her, like... like this house wasn't made for the both of us, you know? She seems like such a rival, and if we ever had to fight it out, I don't know how I'd cope.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PIPER.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe and Cole, don't wanna repeat myself why.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper! Piper's such a bitch to me! And she doesn't like my woolly pink hates which are like my life! And also Paige, because that fat fireman liked her more than my breasts- I mean, me.  
  
PHOEBE IS SLAPPED.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Uh... Phoebe, cos I hate her and her little phoebutt too. And Paige, because I get these vibes off her that she doesn't want me here. So this is my response.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DIARY ROOM. THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS THE SOURCE.  
  
SOURCE: Paige, because looking at her is making me feel sick, and also Piper because she's bitching all the time nowadays.  
  
CUT TO: THE MAIN LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ARE CHATTING.  
  
PHOEBE: I nominated Piper and Paige!  
  
ALL GLARE AT PHOEBE.   
  
KT(VO): Okay, the nominations are in. Now the results will be announced to the housemates.  
BB: Big Brother house, the votes are in and the nominations are as follows: the housemates up for eviction in week two of Big Brother are...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
HELLA PAUSE.  
  
BB: Cole.  
COLE: NO!  
BB: And.  
PHOEBE: Cole but I lubb you!  
BB: Paige.  
PAIGE: What the paige!  
BB: And.  
PRUE: There's more? AP!  
BB: Piper.  
ALL: Whatttttt?  
PIPER: Oh thanks a lot guys. F*cknuts.  
BB: And.  
ALL: Whatttttt?  
PIPER: Oh for paige's sake!  
BB: Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Aiiii not again! Don't you guys love me?  
ALL: No!  
COLE: Phoebe, my sweet, think of the romance in this!  
PHOEBE: Yeah, until one of us dies. Screw you Cole! I'm off to get the viewers' votes!  
  
PHOEBE RUNS OFF.  
  
PRUE: Wouldn't that mean people would vote *for* her to get killed?  
PIPER: We can only hope.  
  
THEY ALL CRY ABOUT PIPER, EVEN THOUGH HALF OF THEM VOTED FOR HER.  
  
KT(VO): It's true! Piper was voted by most with an almighty 4 nominations on her head! The other three up for eviction, Cole, Paige and Phoebe have 3 votes each, followed by Prue and The Source with two, Darryl with only one, and finally Andy and Leo with no votes! But who goes? you decide.  
  
  
LET'S REVIEW: (TWO MEANINGS TO THAT STATEMENT?)  
  
COLE  
PAIGE  
PIPER  
PHOEBE  
  
PUT IN YOUR REVIEW WHO YOU WANT OUT! 


	5. Week Five

A/N: If my calculations are correct (which they probably are...n't) then it's about 10 weeks till the new series of Charmeded: The Show That's Almost Charmed But Not Quite hits our planet! I'm putting it up once this Big Brother thing is finished. Maybe more, maybe less, but 10 weeks is what I'm working with. Woohp?  
  
A/N: To whoever voted in the last chapter using my name: what the paige was that all about? Obviously I'm not allowed to vote in this and if I did, it'd be an official, signed review. I also do not have atrocious spelling, and I certainly wouldn't say "How could you do that to Piper" to myself. I think it'd be something like "How could *I* do that to Piper", you eight legged lesbium! One more thing, I would also not even THINK about voting off my beloved Whorebe! I may hate her, but she is oh-so-fun to write! So next time you try to fob yourself off as being me and hope that I somehow wouldn't remember if I'd reviewed the story, at least TRY to be a little more convincing! Jebus...  
  
A/N: While we're here, to whoever has been going onto my website and voting for Prue in the who do you hate the most poll. And took hours to do it. Let me tell you people how many times said person has voted for Prue: fourteen. Thousand. Not fourteen hundred, fourteen thousand. Now short of a weekend campout by the keyboard with peanut butter sandwiches and marmite (EW) from the jar, washed down with spicy pomegranate juise, I can't think of any way said person achieved this, but omap, whoever you are, I loathe you. But, of course, said person is also a coward who doesn't leave any form of contact. SO COME ON, BITCHASS! I DARES YA!  
  
Anyways...  
  
A/N: To Steph: WOWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: To everybody else: I lubb you all. *points at meagan* Except you! *points at aforementioned Prue hater* And exspecially I hate you.  
  
MEAGAN: Aww...  
FREAKASS: I hate Prue!  
  
KT BEATS FREAKASS WITH PHOEBE.  
  
A/N: To KT: Get on with the story, AP condemn thee!  
  
KT: Shee... way to act like Jade, me!  
JADE: Just you wait, my time is coming, oh how it is.  
KT: Shh! *slaps Jade*  
  
  
CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER  
  
  
  
KT: Tonight we find out who is the third person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. Will it be Cole, Paige, Phoebe or Piper. You decided, now find out in Charmeded Big Brother.  
  
EXT. GARDEN - DAY. ALL OF THE HOUSEMATES: ANDY, COLE, DARRYL, LEO, PAIGE, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE AND THE SOURCE ARE LAZING ABOUT IN YET ANOTHER SUNNY DAY, GOD DAMN THEM!  
  
PRUE: Man, it's such a beautiful day.  
PHOEBE: Yeah, and Cole's cock is really gorgeous!  
COLE: Well, I shower weekly-  
PIPER: She meant the rooster you're holding, doofus.  
  
COLE IS INDEED HOLDING A CHICKEN. THE CHICKEN IS SCARECROW PROO (SP) TO BE EXACT.   
  
PHOEBE: I did?  
ANDY: Sure is quiet around here without Abbey.  
PAIGE: Abbey who?  
PRUE: Paige, don't pretend you don't remember her. Just because she didn't idolise you.  
PAIGE: Nobody does!  
  
PAIGE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE, CRYING. PIPER FOLLOWS.  
  
LEO: Hey, do you guys think Piper likes me?  
DARRYL: I'm not sure if Piper likes anyone.  
SOURCE: Will you all cut out that infernal rambling! I'm trying to get a tan!  
PRUE: Good luck. With all those robes on and that hood pulled over your face I'm surprised if you even know what the sun looks like.  
SOURCE: Shut up or I'll flame you all!  
  
CUT TO: THE GIRLS' BEDROOM. PAIGE RUNS IN, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PIPER. PAIGE COLLAPSES ON HER BED AND CRIES LOUDLY. PIPER SITS DOWN BESIDE HER AND COMFORTS HER.  
  
PIPER: Oh come on sweetie, I'm sure you would've been Abbey's second choice!  
PAIGE: It's not just that - it's just... it's just everything! Piper, everybody hates me!  
PIPER: Oh that's not true.  
PAIGE: But you hate me, don't you?  
PIPER: That's different. I hate everyone. But if it makes you feel any better, you're one of the people I hate the least.  
PAIGE: Really?  
PIPER: Really.  
  
PAIGE HUGS PIPER.  
  
PIPER: Don't think this means we're friends. Because I still hate you!  
PAIGE: Oh I know you don't mean that.  
PIPER: No, really, get off me.  
PAIGE: You're such a kidder!  
PIPER: STOP F*CKING TOUCHING ME, BITCH!  
  
PIPER SHOVES PAIGE TO THE FLOOR AND STORMS OUT.  
  
CUT TO: GARDEN. THE HOUSEMATES OVERHEARD PIPER SCREAMING AT PAIGE.  
  
PHOEBE: Paige is a lesbium! I knew it!  
COLE: And Piper isn't? Well that's my world crashing down.  
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in the Big Brother compound.  
PHOEBE: But I wanted to look at Cole's cock!  
  
COLE SHOWS PHOEBE SP.  
  
PHOEBE: No, the OTHER one!  
COLE: Woo!  
  
CUT TO: THE SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ALL GET THERE AND SIT DOWN.  
  
PAIGE: Well, good luck I guess.  
COLE: Me and Phoebe are going to have sex as soon as this is over.  
PRUE: That's taking into account that one of you isn't evicted, Cole?  
COLE: Oh pish posh! We're the loveable couple! No one wants us to be apart!  
BB: The housemate to be evicted from Big Brother in week five is...  
  
LONG LONG PAUSE.  
  
LONGER.  
  
OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SCROLL FOR A BIT?  
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COME ON, PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT!  
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STOP WHINING AND KEEP GOING!  
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KEEP GOING...  
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LAST ONE THERE LUBBS 'LYSSIE'  
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OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S HOW LONG THE PAUSE WAS.  
  
BB: Cole.  
COLE: What? No! But me! Phoebe! The sex!  
PHOEBE: Yeah - the sex!  
  
ALACK, DEAR VIEWERS, POOR COLE AND PHOEBE DON'T GET THE CHANCE TO HAVE SEX FOR AT THAT MOMENT, A LARGE TUBE EXTENDS FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS PRUE UP. ALL GASP. THEN IT SPITS PRUE OUT AND SUCKS COLE UP. PRUE FALLS AND LANDS IN ANDY'S LAP.  
  
ANDY: Are you okay Prue?  
PRUE: I am now.  
  
THEY MAKE GOOGLY EYES AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THE SILENCE IS BROKEN BY PHOEBE WAILING.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh no my Cole! Who will I have to lesbium up now?  
  
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING ANDY UP. YES WHILE PRUE IS STILL THERE.  
  
ANDY: Ew! Get off me you woolly pink moron!  
PHOEBE: Aww...  
  
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING DARRYL UP.  
  
DARRYL: I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.  
  
IF POSSIBLE, PHOEBE LOOKS EVEN MORE EXCITED. EW.  
  
DARRYL: Ew! Not in that way you lesbium incest child!  
PHOEBE: Aww...  
  
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING LEO UP.  
  
LEO: Ack! Get off me! I'm sickened by the very thought that I'm of the same race as you!  
PHOEBE: The woolly pink faloofahs?  
  
LEO SLAPS PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: Aww...  
PIPER: Am I sensing a pattern here?  
PAIGE: I don't know, but I have the theme tune to M*A*S*H in my head.  
  
ALL SING THE THEME TUNE. GO ON, YOU DO IT TOO. DO DOOO DO DOO DO DO DOOOO DO DOOOO DO DOO DO DOO DOOOOOO. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING THE SOURCE UP.  
  
SOURCE: What the paige! Get off me or I'll stick a lightning bolt up your ass!  
PHOEBE: Do you promise?  
SOURCE: Aw man! That's sick!  
  
HE PUSHES PHOEBE OFF.  
  
SOURCE: Stay away from me! You're getting lesbium cooties all over my Versace robes!  
PHOEBE: Aww...  
  
SILENCE. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING PAIGE UP.  
  
PAIGE: Ooh Phoebe! Never knew you liked me that way!  
  
PAIGE AND PHOEBE RUN OFF TO THE GIRLS' BEDROOM TO... NEVER YOU MIND.  
  
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in front of the television.  
  
PAIGE AND PHOEBE ENTER LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.  
  
PAIGE: Spoil our fun.  
PHOEBE: No! I don't want to watch my one true love Cole die!  
PAIGE: Hey! You just told me that I was your one true love!  
PHOEBE: Well duh. I only said that to get you naked. And we were interrupted, so it wasn't even worth it!  
  
PAIGE CRIES. NOBODY REALLY CARES. SUCH IS LIFE. THE HOUSEMATES SETTLE IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.   
  
CUT TO: SCREEN.   
  
* * *   
  
BLACK. THE TITLE OF THE 'MOVIE' COMES UP: "BACK TO THE...".  
  
WE OPEN ON COLE STANDING ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE-TYPE SCENARIO.  
  
PIPER(OS): Hey that looks like the garden!  
  
OUT OF NOWHERE BY A MYSTERIOUS HAND, PIPER FINDS HERSELF BEING SLAPPED. BACK TO THE SHOW. SWEAT IS POURING DOWN COLE'S DIRTY, PERVERTED, STUBBLY FACE (PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?)  
  
COLE: Um, hello? Look - I have money. I'll give you anything you want. Take Phoebe! I just don't wanna die!  
  
SUDDENLY A TYRANN... A TYRANN... OKAY I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK UP THE SPELLING, BE WITH YOU IN A SEC!  
  
*kt goes to look*  
  
WELL WHADDYA KNOW, I SPELT IT RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE! A HUGE TYRANNOSAURUS REX BOUNDS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TREES. COLE SCREAMS 'A LITTLE'.  
  
PRUE(OS): A little? How can you scream a little? You either do or you don't. There's no two ways about it!  
  
KT SMIRKS AT STEPH. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. BACK TO COLE AND THE T-REX.  
  
COLE: Oh, this is no problem. If I was invisible!  
  
COLE RUNS, CLOSELY PURSUED BY MR T, SCREAMING A LITTLE.  
  
COLE: Ahh...hhh...hhh...hhh!  
  
HE GETS CORNERED IN, WELL, A CORNER! HE BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL AS MR T LEERS AT HIM... LEERINGLY.   
  
COLE: No! I, I'm an ADA! I can sue you all! I'll scream! I'll scream a little!  
  
MR T STOOPS DOWN AND CLAMPS HIS MOUTH SHUT AROUND COLE'S P'IDIUM BODY. COLE IS SCREAMING A LITTLE. LEANING BACK, MR T SHAKES COLE AROUND FOR A FEW MOMENTS (MUCH TO THE HORROR OF THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES WHO SCREAM A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN A LITTLE) BEFORE TILTING HIS HEAD UPWARDS AND SWALLOWING COLE. ONCE THE DEED IS DONE, MR T STEPS ON THE CAMERA. HOW. RUDE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT EQUIPMENT COSTS? IT'S NOT CHEAP!  
  
SOURCE(OS): Now that's entertainment.  
PAIGE(OS): We just watched one of our friends get killed!  
SOURCE(OS): Oh yeah.   
  
THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK AND THE TITLE, "BACK TO THE..." REAPPEARS BEFORE THE TELEVISION SWITCHES OFF.  
  
* * *  
  
ANDY: Well, at least there was less blood than last time.  
DARRYL: I just want to know where the paige they got a whole frickin dinosaur from!  
KT: Rather than show disgust at the gore and horror they've just been subjected to, the housemates choose to discuss it almost as if it were a form of entertainment. Psychologists explain this as being the housemates actually hardening to the way they are being treated.  
PHOEBE: I'm uh, just going to the diary room.  
  
PHOEBE FLOUNCES OFF.  
  
SOURCE: I liked it. The way he screamed only a little showed real talent that I didn't think he could ever possess.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.  
  
BB: Hello Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.  
BB: How are you?  
PHOEBE: I just watched my only love die. How do you think I am?  
BB: Do you wish to talk about it?  
  
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.  
  
PHOEBE: I know everybody sees me as being shallow and inconsiderate, but I really think I was in love with Cole. And now he's gone, and I actually have to start caring about how other people think! Because if people don't like me, that could end up in me getting killed!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BB: Well, Phoebe, everybody has their hard luck story to tell.   
PHOEBE: Big Brother!  
BB: They just don't make it as vocal as you! Now quit whining and get out there and entertain the masses! That's what you do best!  
PHOEBE: Really? People think I'm entertaining?  
BB: Um... I never said that.  
PHOEBE: *squeals* Oh thank you Big Brother! You always know exactly what to say!  
  
PHOEBE SKIPS UP AND KISSES THE CAMERA, AND EXITS.  
  
BB: *throws up*  
  
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR A CAMERA TO THROW UP UNTIL NOW. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
KT: Day... um day seventy one. The housemates get prepared for making their nominations.  
  
THE HOUSEMATES ARE IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING A JOINT EFFORT AT COOKING.  
  
PIPER: So... who wouldn't mind dying?  
  
SILENCE.  
  
DARRYL: You're trying to see who you're going to nominate, huh?  
PIPER: Just a little bit. So... would anybody actually MIND if they got evicted next week?  
PAIGE: Uh, Piper, I'm sorry, but I don't think anybody wants to die, you freak-faced idium!  
  
PIPER STARES AT PAIGE.  
  
PRUE: Guys, come on, calm down. This is tough on us all, let's not fight. Let's play a game!  
SOURCE: How about "Who Can Handle Sticking Their Hand In A Pot Of Boiling Water The Longest"? I'll be judge!  
PHOEBE: Sounds great! Me first!  
  
PHOEBE IS ABOUT TO STICK HER HAND IN A BOILING POT OF WATER WHEN:  
  
BB: Will Andy please come to the diary room?  
SOURCE: Curses!  
  
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. ANDY ENTERS.  
  
ANDY: Hello Big Brother.  
BB: Hello Andy. Please state your nominations.  
ANDY: Well, honestly, it was gonna be Piper this time because quite frankly she's been a total bitch. But you know recently she's shown a real turnaround, and I actually quite like her! So... not Piper.  
  
ANDY GETS SLAPPED.  
  
BB: Please state who you would like to be evicted from the Big Brother compound, not who you wish to stay. IDIUM!  
ANDY: Oh right, sorry. My first choice is The Source because um, 'nice' as he is, he's really quiet and I don't seem to get along with him all that well. Also Paige because we don't really have anything in common except our undying love of strawberry flavoured milk, but I don't think that's really enough to base an entire friendship on.  
  
TIME LAPSE: DARRYL IS NOMINATING.  
  
DARRYL: Let's think. I'm going with Phoebe, just to put her out of her misery in more ways than one. She's really cut up about Cole getting axed. And, uh, also Leo, because his face looks more like an apple every time I look at it. And I can't handle it!  
  
TIME LAPSE: LEO IS NOMINATING.  
  
LEO: Paige, because she keeps screwing stuff up then coming to me for help, and it's totally getting to me! It's like she has a crush on me or something. Anyway, and also Darryl because he's giving me bad vibes about the shape of my head, which I'm very sensitive about.  
  
TIME LAPSE: PAIGE IS NOMINATING.  
  
PAIGE: Uh... Phoebe, because yeah, Cole died and it's all very sad for her, but I still can't stand the runt! Also Piper, because I think her niceness is just an act. Either that or I'm trying to get rid of my main competition!  
  
TIME LAPSE: PHOEBE IS NOMINATING.  
  
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.  
BB: Hello Phoebe. Please give your nominations coupled with a reason why-  
PHOEBE: Coupled?  
  
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh AP Cole! I was in a couple with him! And I loved him so much!  
BB: Yes, it's all very sad. Now. Nominations.  
PHOEBE: Paige and Prue, because I know they always despised me and Cole's affair, secretly of course, but they did! I hate them both!   
BB: Thank you Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: I mean, couldn't they just leave us alone? All we wanted to do was be a happy, normal, fornicating couple but could they be happy for us? Heck no! They had to nominate for Cole and ruin my life! Sure I don't KNOW they nominated for Cole, but I don't care enough to actually find out the facts! All I wanted was to have sex with Cole and...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: ... spoil our happiness, didn't they? They're clearly jealous of me and my good looks, I know I'm totally gorgeous so I try not to flaunt it too much in front of other people cos sometimes that creates and environment of hostility which really isn't good for my complexion, and another thing, they never seemed to...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: ... which I think is spawned from the psychology behind the matter: they couldn't hack anybody else being happy if it meant they were left in the dark with no attention. Really it's quite simple actually. I just can't get over the pathetic childishness of their actions, I mean, they're total babies and really I think it's all about...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: ... miss him so much which obviously makes Paige and Prue happy which really in a way sickens me! What kind of people get pleasure from others' misery? From death, violence and hurt? The type of people that watch this show? They get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of my pain, and that disgusts me! How many other lives must we...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: ... bottom line! And you know what else really gets me? The way Paige flosses. She's always so careless and doesn't care where she puts her trash, once I found one of her lipsticks on my bed with the lid off - the lid off you hear me? And then I realised it was mine, but hello? Not the point! The point is that I just KNOW that Paige would be heartless enough to do such a thing and really all she ever does is jump to conclusions about other people and Prue! Don't even get me started about Prue! Well, to start with, all she ever does is smirk away with that self-satisfied sarcastic thing she has going on there...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: ... and I bet it doesn't even look that good! What the paige would anyone think if Prue walked in wearing a-  
  
CUT TO:  
  
KITCHEN. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.  
  
PRUE: Phoebe's been gone for like three hours. Do you think I should go check if she's okay?   
  
CUT BACK TO:  
  
DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE IS STILL RANTING.  
  
PHOEBE: ... absolutely NO consideration for others whatsoever!  
  
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.  
  
PHOEBE: *sugar sweet* Yes?  
PRUE(OS): Phoebe? Your dinner's cold.   
PHOEBE: Oh, never mind, I'm kinda busy right now, but I'll get it later.  
PRUE(OS): Okay. I'll put it in the oven to warm it up for you, okay?  
PHOEBE: You got it! Thanks!  
  
PHOEBE TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.  
  
PHOEBE: See what I mean? Totally self-centred. That's the main thing that gets me about Prue - she...  
  
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES SIT AND LAZE ABOUT.  
  
SOURCE: I want to nominate!  
ANDY: Phoebe's been gone for well over five hours now!  
PRUE: Guess she needed to vent a little. After all, her one true love DID just bite the big one.  
PAIGE: Oh who cares? He was Cole! It's not like anybody liked him!  
PIPER: Condescending much Paige? You could try to be a little more respectful.  
PAIGE: It was Cole! He was bad news!  
PRUE: Be that as it may, I still think we should try to support Phoebe. Like her as we may not.  
DARRYL: Yeah, she's probably out next weeks anyway, may as well make it nice. I guess.  
  
PHOEBE FINALLY ENTERS.  
  
ANDY: Phoebe, are you okay?  
PHOEBE: Yeah... I just needed to talk about me for once.  
PRUE: Cos you never do that...  
  
PHOEBE GLARES AT PRUE, WHO DOESN'T NOTICE.  
  
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?  
  
WITH A GRUNT, PIPER GETS UP.  
  
PHOEBE: So. Were you guys talking about me?  
  
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: I won't bother sitting down. I'm too stiff. Um, I'm going with Phoebe because I kinda feel sorry for her. Oh, and I hate her. And also Paige, cos bleh! She tried to lesbium me up earlier on in the week!  
  
TIME LAPSE: PRUE IS NOMINATING.  
  
PRUE: I'll go with Phoebe because like her as much as I don't, I kinda... wait, that was my reason - I don't like her. Also, she's miserable just now. She should be dead, and with Cole! Secondly I'm picking Paige, because I get these really ooky vibes from her like she wants me dead so she can take my place. Only AP knows where THEY'RE coming from but ya know, trust your instincts and all.  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE SOURCE IS NOMINATING.  
  
SOURCE: Leo, because he's a goody good bastard, and also Paige because I'M the evil one around here, and she shouldn't be allowed to make such nasty comments when it's MY job! I'll flame her! I'll flame her good!  
BB: Thank you, Source.  
SOURCE: It's THE Source! I'll flame you too! I'll flame you good!  
BB: Pardon me - thank you The Source.  
SOURCE: Yeah bizatch.  
  
THE SOURCE EXITS.  
  
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE SOURCE JOINS EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE COUCHES. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I DO SOME COUNTING.  
  
OH DEAR ASTRAL PRUE. I AM TOTALLY NOT KIDDING, THE ENTIRE THING TOOK ME ABOUT TEN MINUTES. YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS TABLE I PUT ALL THE NUMBERS ON THEN I HAVE TO CALCULATE AND DOUBLE CHECK AND... YEAH OKAY, EXCUSES, EXCUSES. HERE ARE THE RESULTS:  
  
BB: The nominations have been counted.  
  
THE HOUSEMATES ALL BE NERVOUS. AWWW. PHOEBE IS LESBIUMING EVERYBODY UP IN HER HEIGHTENED STATE.  
  
PHOEBE: I voted for Prue and Paige.  
  
PRUE AND PAIGE GLARE.  
  
BB: The housemates up for eviction in week six of Charmeded Big Brother-  
ALL: Charmeded?  
BB: Um... in Big Brother are...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
I'D GET YOU TO SCROLL MORE BUT THAT INVOLVES EFFORT ON MY PART AS WELL AS YOURS SO MEH.  
  
BB: Paige.  
PAIGE: Again?  
BB: And.  
PAIGE: Aw man this sucks! I thought you guys liked me!  
BB: Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: What? Haven't I gone through enough?  
PAIGE: Shh! It's gonna say whoever's next.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Sorry Paige. Looks like it's just you and whorebe.  
  
PAIGE GLARES AT PHOEBE, WHO IS SUCKING ON A CUSHION.  
  
PAIGE: Easy.  
ANDY: May the best freak win!  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
KT: Well folks, in case your interested, here are the rest of the nominations, just because it took me so long to tot them all up. Paige was by far the most 'popular' choice this week, receiving nominations from over half the housemates with 6 voted. She is followed by Phoebe with a one-more-than-last-week four votes. Leo received two nominations while Darryl, Piper, Prue and The Source had one each. For the first week ever, Andy got no nominations.  
  
Now here's the hard part:  
  
Who stays and who goes?  
  
PAIGE  
  
or  
  
PHOEBE  
  
You decide.  
  
  
  
A/N: WOAH! I just copied and pasted this onto a Word document and Oh My Sweet Sweet Astral Prue! It's 13 paiges long!!!! That ain't right. 


	6. Week Se I mean, Six

A/N: Thanks to scream-trilogy.com for um 'letting' me steal some of the script so I knew the lines. And actions. Mwa ha. I think you already know who dies and how, huh?  
  
A/N: In light of recent events, including a good friend's excellent fic being deleted when it shouldn't have... okay, I won't give you mystery, you all know it - Just Ask Phoebe by Kit-The-Cat, admit it was supreme. It was. Anyway, a petition has been made to just complain in general and it'd be appreciated by loads of fanfic people if you'd take a look and sign. Just copy and paste this URL and do your dirty work!  
  
http://www.petitiononline.com/33073410/petition.html  
  
Thanks guys!  
  
A/N: To Trixie: Link link link link!  
  
A/N: To 'Anonymous' if you come here: Screw. You. Buddy.  
  
A/N: To JadeDragon (not the original bwa ha!) You're a fool! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Anyways. You can't vote for the Source so um I decided you voted for Paige. Same goes for Steph and Scotlum Nikki - you two didn't vote properly or vote at all *glares at Steph* so you both picked Paige, natch!  
  
A/N: Write the story, bizatch!  
  
A/N: Okay!  
  
A/N: One more thing: that random lesbium who keeps reviewing stories with my name is... oh so bent! So kiddies from now on I'll only be doing signed reviews of your stories and you'll know it's a regular kt original! Lucky you!  
  
A/N: NOW onto the story!  
  
A/N: No, wait... now.  
  
A/N: Aw I remember the good old days when I didn't know what A/N meant. How I cherish thee, days of old!  
  
A/N: Okay, NOW let's go!  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER TA DA DEE DAH LA LA LA... AND LA!  
  
KT: Last week it was Paige and Phoebe who were up for the chop, you were given not a very long time to vote on account of my own reasons, and now you'll find out who you voted out! Well lah dee dah!  
  
BOYS' BEDROOM. THE SOURCE, ANDY AND LEO ARE SITTING AROUND TALKING.  
  
LEO: Well quite frankly I don't know who I want out more. I mean, Phoebe has that whole... I-hate-her thing going on, but Paige has been a right bitchass this week!  
SOURCE: I should smite her and smite her good.  
  
PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: Smite who?  
ANDY: Uh...  
LEO: SP, of course!  
  
EVERYBODY STARES AT HIM.  
  
ANDY: It'd be better if you'd just told the truth, bastard!  
SOURCE: Yeah, deserve a slap much?  
  
THE SOURCE TUGS UP HIS HOOD AND SLAPS PAIGE.  
  
PAIGE: Hey!  
SOURCE: Woohps! My uh hood got in my eyes.  
  
HE SLAPS PAIGE AGAIN.  
  
SOURCE: Deary me!  
  
AND AGAIN.  
  
SOURCE: Oh I am ever so sorry!  
  
AND AGAIN.  
  
SOURCE: I can't see straight to hit Leo!  
  
AND AGAIN... THIS GOES ON. BY THE TIME THE SOURCE MISSES PAIGE, LEO HAS LEFT THE ROOM. PAIGE'S FACE IS RED (WOW - COLOUR!) AND SHE IS CRYING.   
  
ANDY: Shee, Paige, you coulda just moved out of the way.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE: Shut up!  
BB: Will all housemates please gather in the living area.  
  
STARING AT EACH OTHER, ANDY AND PAIGE LEAVE. THE SOURCE SIGHS.  
  
SOURCE: Why does nobody stare at me in fear and apprehension? I am The Source! I deserve that! You're all going to pay for your insolence!  
  
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ALL JOIN EACH OTHER IN THE SOFA CORNER MA-THINGIE.   
  
PHOEBE: Please not me please not me please not me please not me.  
PAIGE: Please not me please not me please not me please not me.  
PIPER: Please just take them both just take them both just take them both.  
BB: The... fifth? person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is...  
  
PAUSE. YOU REMEMBER THAT SCROLLING GIG FROM LAST TIME? IMAGINE IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.  
  
DARRYL: I can't stand this anymore!  
  
DARRYL JUMPS UP AND STARTS RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING. EVERYBODY STARES AT HIM, NOT IMPRESSED IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS.   
  
PRUE: Sit down you... galoot!  
  
DARRYL SLAPS PRUE. PRUE SLAPS DARRYL. EVERYBODY STARTS TO SLAP EACH OTHER. IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE BRUTAL! AFTER A FEW MINUTES, THE FIRE SPRINKLERS ARE TURNED ON TO COOL THE 'PHOOLISH' 'PHOOLS' OFF. I'M TRYING TO ANNOUNCE HERE!  
  
BB: Shut up and sit down you rejected coins! The housemate to be evicted this week is *excited, joyous* Paige!  
PAIGE: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  
PIPER: Meh, she had a good run.  
  
THE TUBE COMES FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS PRUE UP. THEN IT SPITS HER OUT, AND SUCKS PAIGE UP.  
  
PRUE: You'd think it was trying to tell me something.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
ANDY: Wonder how she'll go.  
DARRYL: Who cares? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!  
  
HE STARTS RUNNING AROUND LIKE A LUNATIC... AGAIN.  
  
PRUE: Here we go again.  
PHOEBE: I don't know about you guys, but he's turning me on!  
SOURCE: What doesn't turn you on, o sweet incestuous lesbium child?  
PHOEBE: You don't, actually.  
  
THE SOURCE GROWLS AND STALKS OFF.  
  
KT(VO): Day AP only knows what day. The housemates, knowing that they'll have to witness Paige's death at some point, have already arranged themselves in front of the television screen.  
  
THE HOUSEMATES, ARE INDEED, STARING AT THE TELEVISION.  
  
BB: Will all housemates please... oh... never mind.  
  
* * *  
  
BLACK SCREEN. THE TITLE FADES IN: "HISTORY REPEATS"  
  
FADE IN: AN OLD PRESUMABLY HAUNTED HOUSE. WE CUT TO THE INTERIOR. PAIGE IS WANDERING ABOUT THE OLD COBWEBBED HALLWAYS.  
  
PAIGE: I'm not scared, oh no.   
  
SHE WHIMPERS AND CONTINUES TO WALK ABOUT. SUDDENLY UM STU FROM SCREAM APPEARS.  
  
STU: Hey Tate, grab another beer will ya? There's beer in the garage.   
PAIGE: What am I, the beer wench?  
  
THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER.  
  
PAIGE: Déja voo-doo. And my name's Paige.  
  
STU WALKS AWAY AND PAIGE MOSIES ALONG TO THE GARAGE TO GET HIS BEER.  
  
CUT TO: INT. GARAGE   
  
PAIGE ENTERS AND FLICKS A SWITCH. BAM! THE GARAGE DOOR STARTS TO RISE. WRONG SWITCH. SHE LOWERS IT AGAIN THE TURNS THE LIGHT ON. SHE SPOTS THE REFRIGERATOR AND HEADS FOR IT, NOT SEEING THE DOOR SILENTLY CLOSE BEHIND HER. BAM! THERE'S A NOISE! TATU- I MEAN PAIGE WHIRLS ROUND TO SEE A CAT ESCAPE THROUGH THE CAT FLAP. SHE SMILES AT HER JUMPINESS.   
  
PHOEBE(OS): Hey I think I've seen this movie - she's about to get naked and do it with the man in the ghost costume!  
  
PAIGE GRABS AS MANY BEERS AS POSSIBLE AND HEADS BACK UPSTAIRS, BUT THE DOOR IS LOCKED.  
  
PAIGE: Sh*t!  
  
SHE KICKS IT.  
  
PAIGE: Hey sh*theads! Oh sh*t!  
  
SHE LEANS OVER AND PRESSES THE GARAGE DOOR BUTTON, THE DOOR STARTS TO OPEN. SHE STARTS WALKING TOWARDS IT BUT SUDDENLY BAM! THE DOOR STARTS CLOSING AGAIN.  
  
PAIGE: What the...   
  
PAIGE TURNS AROUND TO SEE A GHOST MASKED FIGURE AKA GHOSTFACE FROM SCREAM! WOOHP! HE IS SILHOUETTED IN THE DARK, NEXT TO THE KITCHEN DOOR, HIS HAND ON THE SWITCH. PAIGE GASPS, THEN RELAXES.  
  
PAIGE: Is that you, Randy? Cute.   
PIPER(OS): Who's Randy?  
PHOEBE(OS): I am! I am!  
PAIGE: And what movie is this from? I Spit On Your Garage? Lose the mask. If Sidney sees it, she'll flip.   
PIPER(OS): Who's Sidney?  
ANDY: Can that be me?  
  
GHOSTFACE SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD.   
  
PAIGE: Oh, you wanna play psycho killer?   
  
GHOSTFACE NODS.   
  
PAIGE: Can I be the helpless victim?   
  
GHOSTIE NODS AGAIN.  
  
PAIGE: Okay, let's see. "No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface. I want to be in the sequel."   
  
PAIGE TRIES TO WALK PAST HIM BUT HE BLOCKS HER.   
  
PAIGE: Cut it, Casper. That's a wrap.   
  
SHE TRIED TO GET PAST AGAIN BUT HE'S FASTER, CUTTING HER OFF. JUGGLING THE BEER WITH ONE HAND, PAIGE PUSHES HIM WITH THE OTHER.  
  
PAIGE: Randy - will you stop?   
PHOEBE(OS): I'll never stop being randy!  
  
GHOSTFACE INTERCEPTS, LUNGING FOR HER AND GRABBING HER WRIST. BEER FLIES.  
  
PAIGE: You little sh*t!  
  
PAIGE YANKS AWAY HARD, RELEASING HIS HOLD WHEN A FLASH OF SILVER CATCHES HER EYE. SHE LOOKS DOWN, GLIMPSING A LONG, SHARP BLADE AS IT DARTS FORWARD, DRAWING A THIN LONG LINE OF RED ALONG HER FOREARM. MAN I REALLY WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW. I ADORE THIS SCENE. THREE GUESSES WHY. PAIGE PULLS BACK, HORRIFIED AS THE MOMENT TURNS DEADLY SERIOUS. GHOSTFACE ADVANCES, KNIFE OUT AND READY. SHE STAGGERS BACKWARDS HOLDING HER BLOODIED ARM AND BACKS IN TO REFRIGERATOR.  
  
PAIGE: Who are you?   
  
GHOSTFACE LASHES OUT, PAIGE DODGES IT. AS GHOSTFACE ATTACKS, SHE RIPS THE FREEZER DOOR OPEN, SMASHING HIM IN THE FACE AND SENDING HIM BACKWARDS. SHE THROWS BEER BOTTLES... NOBODY KNOWS WHY... PAIGE DARTS TO THE GARAGE DOOR AND TRIES TO PULL IT UP. NOT... STONG... ENOUGH... BAM! A LIGHTBULB APPEARS OVER HER HEAD.  
  
LEO(OS): New power?  
  
SHE GOES FOR THE PET DOOR, DROPPING TO THE DOOR AND DIVING FOR IT. SHE WEDGES HER UPPER BODY THROUGH, HEAD, SHOULDERS, TORSO, JUST AS NOOOOOO GHOSTFACE POUNCES, GRABBING HER FEET. PAIGE GOES CRAZY, SCREAMING AND KICKING AS SHE TRIES TO GET THROUGH.  
  
CUT TO: EXT GARAGE DOOR.  
  
PAIGE IS HALF IN/HALF OUT OF THE PET DOOR. SHE BEATS AND JERKS WILDLY, UNABLE TO SEE GHOSTFACE ON THE OTHER SIDE.  
  
CUT BACK TO:  
  
INT. GARAGE. PAIGE KICKS, HER AIM IS TRUE, AND BAM! SMACKS GHOSTFACE IN THE... GHOSTIES. SHE TRIES TO PULL HERSELF THROUGH FURTHER BUT LO! SHE'S STUCK! SHE PULLS AND TUGS BUT DEAR O DEAR SHE CAN'T MOVE. SHE LISTENS. NOTHING. WHERE DID HE GO? AN AGONISING SILENCE... AND THEN...  
  
BAM!  
  
THE GARAGE DOOR BEGINS TO RISE, TAKING PAIGE WITH IT. SHE SCREAMS MADLY.  
  
PAIGE: Noooooooooo!  
  
HER ARMS AND LEGS FLAIL VIOLENTLY AS SHE TRIES TO FREE HERSELF, BUT SHE'S MOVING TOO FAST, CARRYING HER UP. PETRIFIED, SHE LOOKS UPWARDS TO SEE WHERE THE DOOR ROLLS BACK INTO THE GARAGE RAFTERS JUST AS:  
  
CUT TO:   
  
PAIGE'S FACE.  
  
SPLAT!  
  
ALL(OS): Oh you f*cker!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. GARAGE. THE DOOR IS OPEN, NOBODY IS INSIDE. BUT PAIGE'S BODY SWINGS SLOWLY FROM THE CEILING. SLOWLY AND ALMOST GUILTILY, THE CAMERA PACES BACK, SLOWLY LEAVING THE MURDER SCENE.  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK. THE TITLE RETURNS: "HISTORY REPEATS" AND THERE IS SILENCE, OTHER THAN THE SOUND OF THE GARAGE DOOR CREAKING AND THE WIND SHUFFLING SOME LEAVES.  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE: Has that not been in some movie?  
ANDY: Yeah, and the main character really resembled Piper a lot.  
PRUE: Oh yeah! That's where I've seen you before!  
PHOEBE: Hello? One of our friends just died!  
PIPER: What, Phoebe's showing compassion? Never thought I'd see the day.  
PHEOBE: Compa-what? I'm just bummed I lost my lesbium lover!  
ALL: Ewww...  
  
KT(OS): Day... a few days later. Since I can't be bothered telling you guys about the japes that happened, let's just skip to nominations, huh? I've still got The Plague and people are being mean to me.   
  
DIARY ROOM: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS ANDY.  
  
ANDY: Um let's see... it's hard to remember who's still here and who's not.  
  
ANDY GETS SLAPPED.  
  
ANDY: All right! Sheesh, I think I get slapped every single time I'm in here! Okay I'm picking uh Leo because I think he's trying to move in on my Prue. And I can't have that. And also The Source because I'm starting to take all that talk about smiting quite personally!  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS DARRYL.  
  
DARRYL: Hey Big Brother.  
BB: Just nominate.  
DARRYL: Okay dokey! Well, I'm picking Prue because she's not very receptive and comforting when I have a moment that I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!  
  
DARRYL STARTS RUNNING AROUND IN THE TINY DIARY ROOM. HE IS THE SLAPPED. SEVERAL TIMES.  
  
DARRYL: And Phoebe cos argh! She never seems to get evicted!  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS LEO.  
  
LEO: Uh I'm picking Darryl cos he's a crazed psychopath! And also Prue because she's too cynical for my liking.  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PHOEBE.  
  
PHOEBE: I'm nominating Prue because I hate her and also Piper because I hate her too. What I hate most about Prue is the way she always looks down on me when I'm talking. I mean, I'm trying to say something perfectly intelligent and she's just watching me with that "I'm better than you" smirk on her face and it really just bites at me all the time and...  
  
TIME LAPSE.  
  
PHOEBE: And the way she always talks about herself. I. Never. Talk about myself! Never! But she makes out like I do and-  
  
PHOEBE IS SLAPPED BACK TO HELL. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANOTHER RANT. SHE RUNS OUT CRYING AND BLOWING HER NOSE ON HER WPH.  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PIPER.  
  
PIPER: Darryl cos he's really pissing me off lately, and Leo cos he totally perves over me! I mean, if it was someone hot like the Source, then that's all well and good, but come on - appleface?!?  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Uh let's see. I'm going with Leo because of ugh just him in general, and also Phoebe because... well, do I even have to give a reason?  
  
TIME LAPSE: THE CURRENT NOMINATOR IS THE SOURCE.  
  
SOURCE: Hmm, the two people who are pissing me off them most are... Darryl and... heck, I'll go with Prue just because she was in here before me and I can't remember anybody else who's in the house!  
BB: Thank you, The Source.  
SOURCE: I don't like your attitude!  
BB: I don't like your robes.  
SOURCE: *gasp*  
  
CUT TO: LIVING AREA.  
  
PHOEBE: I voted for-  
PIPER: Me and Prue.  
PHOEBE: How did you guess?  
PRUE: You told us before you went in.  
KT(VO): *sigh* PLLLLAAAAGGGGUUUUUUEEEEE!!!!  
BB: Well after months of counting, the nominations are as follows: the housemates up for eviction this weeks are...  
  
SCROLL GAME, REMEMBER?  
  
BB: Darryl.  
DARRYL: I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!!  
BB: And.  
  
DARRLY RUNS AROUND SCREAMING.  
  
BB: Leo.  
LEO: Piper! Save me!  
PIPER: Hap!  
BB: And.  
PHOEBE: Aw man! It's gonna be me again!  
BB: Prue.  
  
ALL GASP.  
  
PRUE: Pah, what're you guys so shocked about? Half of you must've voted for me.  
PHOEBE: I did, I did! And I'm not up for eviction! Let's get naked!  
  
PHOEBE STICKS BY HER PROMISE AND AS EVERYBODY IS SHYING AWAY AND BEING SICK, WE:  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
  
  
KT: Oooooo Prue! We barely knew ya! Well kids, who's it gonna be?  
  
DARRYL  
  
LEO  
  
OR  
  
PRUE?  
  
  
Dun dun dunnnnn you decide! 


End file.
